What Would Jesus Toke?

A Guide to Alternative Christianity

The Guide
Who Would Jesus Kill?
What Would Jesus Rock Out To?
What Would Jesus Read?
What Would Jesus Watch?
Who Would Jesus Do?
How Would Jesus ID His Bad Self?

Note: this is an excerpt from a larger reference page/column on Alternative Christianity.

Who Would Jesus Kill?
Jesus was a hippy. He hugged people. A lot. He was into doves. He said, "Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God." Matthew 5:9. He also said, "But I say to you, love your enemies, and pray for those who persecute you..." Matthew 5:44.

So if you read between the lines, what Jesus is really saying is, "George Bush is a total dorkwad."

So of course as a patriotic American, your first response to that statement is, "Why does Jesus hate America?" And to you, I say, "Ah, crawl back into your bunker, McVeigh."

But seriously, here we are in the year 2003, and we have a President who claims to be a Christian yet is hell bent on dropping millions of tons of TNT onto the heads of people he has never met, a small fraction of whom could be considered our "enemies" but the rest of whom are guilty of nothing other than being born on the wrong patch of sand and under the wrong god.

If I were the Bushie, I'd be seriously hoping that Notorious S.O.G. doesn't decide to make his second coming any time soon and slap my bitch ass down. Hard.

And to the rest of you so-called Christians out there who are all up in W's ass, hootin hollerin and shootin yer shotguns in the air for war, I say, cool. Go for it. Revel in your hatred. Roll and rut in the stink of violence and death like pigs in shit. Just don't call yourself a Christian while you are doing it.

Seriously, if the actual flesh and blood, dark-haired, brown-eyed, hook-nosed, olive-skinned Jesus were standing right here amongst us in February 2003, what do you think he would say? "Hmmm, well its pretty clear to me that Saddam has violated UN Resolution 1441, so... I think we had better gas up the bombers, boys, cuz its Iraqi-ass-whuppin time! Yee haw!" No, I think not.

I'm gonna go way out on a limb here and say that he'd probably not be on the pro-laser-guided-explosive-ordnance side of the issue. Just a wild guess.

Of course, Christian theologians such as St. Augustine of Hippo and St. Thomas Aquinas (who would probably have earned better than C averages at Yale) have over the centuries developed the principles of just war which specifies when war could be morally and spiritually justified:

On all four counts, any thinking person should harbor serious objections to Dubya's headlong rush toward war. What damage has been inflicted on the U.S. by Iraq? Have all other means of diffusing this situation been exhausted? Will this attack really make the world a safer place or will it just inflame global tensions and hatred? How many innocent people will be killed directly or subsequently harmed, poisoned, starved as a result of Georgie's "pre-emptive" war?

At this time, there is a significant pro-peace movement under way both in the U.S. and in other countries, and religious groups of many faiths are playing a key role in it. Sure we might have been jerks back in the Crusades, but this time we're trying to do better.

War is not inevitable, but if it does come it will be over Jesus' dead body.

Some Christian pro-peace information resources.

National Council of Churches is opposed to the U.S. drive to war. Their grand poobah Reverend Bob Edgar is a hard ass playa.

Listen to Bob Edgar on NPR talking with Terry Gross about the anti-war movement. You can bet Terry knows that Dr. Bob ain't no hayta, he's a stone luvah.

Pope's in da house!

The Catholic Church's Teaching On War and Peace

The 1,000 Years of Peace Project Does this make a difference? Only in that it can help each of us to make a commitment to peace in our own hearts. And after all, from where does peace spring if not from the individual human heart?

Back to the Earthly realm

Copyright 2001 Clownland Enterprises